Earlier in the week I was having one of those conversations about whether it's possible to change yourself in a meaningful way. We were talking about whether you can train yourself not to overthink but to react much more spontaneously to what is around you. In some situations overthinking dooms you to failure, one example being serving in tennis. If you toss the ball in the air thinking about whether it will go in or not the serve is probably already lost. Taking the point further we talked about whether those people who don't spend time agonizing about what they have done, said or felt, and just do it are happier for that. They certainly seem to be.
My view was that you're probably born that way and it's quite hard to change the way that you process thought, certainly if you are into your forties like me.
My view was that you're probably born that way and it's quite hard to change the way that you process thought, certainly if you are into your forties like me.
Thinking about it subsequently, I realized that there have definitely been points in my life where an event has permanently changed who I am in some way. Obviously you're always evolving, and hopefully growing, as an individual but I'm thinking about those moments that have led to a permanent and significant change.
For me, I can think of a hanful of points in my adult life that have been transformative in some way. To understand why I see these events as being transformative, you need to know a little about me. I'm an INTP on the Myers Briggs scale which in very simple terms means I'm pretty introspective and process things rationally and logically. There's a lot more to it, but the elements of the wikipedia description of an INTP that I relate to are that INTP types are quiet, thoughtful, analytical individuals who tend to spend long periods of time on their own, working through problems and forming solutions. They are curious about systems and how things work. They tend to be less at ease in social situations although they enjoy the company of those who share their interests. All of that is true for me and if you read a detailed profile of an INTP like this one I'd say it describes me pretty well.
So what do I consider to be these major turning points? Well the first, I only recognised as such in retrospect. I was around 29 years old and had obviously been working for a few years by then. I'd made a mark in a small way in the business I was in and was in my first management role providing various operational support functions to a sales team. With virtually no notice, I was asked to go out to a meeting with a client. I wasn't expected to present but asked to provide support and share some knowledge in my field of expertise. I was terrified, I remember the feeling of terror now. I wanted to be prepared, I felt my colleagues were treating me badly by asking me to step in at short notice and I was worried that I would look stupid in front of the client. I was so upset about it that I remember throing a bit of a tantrum which my colleagues rightly ignored. What they recognised was that I would be more than capable of handling the situation, even if I didn't see that myself. They also of course new more about he client and the meeting and had no qualms at all about how it would go. And it went well. I drew confidence from the fact I knew my area inside out, I wasn't afraid to contribute - in fact did so actively - and connected well with the people I met. Having stood on the end of the diving board, quivering in fear, I had dived in and the water was warm. Fast forward 14 years and I present regularly (including to some pretty intimidating and well known public figures), I've spoked at conferences in front of 400+ people and I've made sales pitches and run negotiations for big contracts. I can't say that I relish any of those situations,but I do get a buzz out of them and know that I do them well. But I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to do any of that if it wasn't for that first event. It opened up possibilities that weren't there before.
The next transformative event was around eight years later. I was working for a big public corporation in a pretty big job for my age at the time. A new boss was brought in from large FMCG company and he quickly came to the view that he had working for him a group of talented individuals who did not function effectively as a team. He'd worked with an organisational change company in his previous job and brought them in to work with us. There was a lot of sitting around at awaydays with the change faciliators pushing us to be honest with each other about how we felt. Success of these things was pretty much judged by how honest and to an extent controversial we'd been: about business issues, about each other and what we thought of our boss. We were invited to go deeper and go on a "breakthrough leadership course". A few of us did this, and I was one of those that did. This time we were split into small groups of four, locked away for four days and encouraged to unpick ourselves: we talked about our formative influences, our deepest fears, our insecurities. We opened up about ourselves and the others on the group were encouraged to share their perceptions of us. It was pretty raw stuff but I came out of it with a different view of myself. I had a better understanding of what others saw as my strengths, which boosted my confidence. I had shared my insecurities and through discussion was in a better position either to write them off or tackle them. I also had made connections with people in a way I hadn't for a very long time. The nature of what we shared brought us closer and has provided a support mechanism that I still tap into some eight years later. Despite my scepticism, the challenge the course provided gave me a boost in confidence and direction that helped me make a step change in my work and home life.
Around this time, but I don't think particularly related, I was growing more unsettled in my relationship. The ins and outs of this aren't particularly relevant, other than one major fact which is that I was increasingly questioning my sexuality. I was married, had kids, and on the face of it had an idyllic marriage and lifestyle. But I wasn't happy. I had always considered myself bisexual but as I got older I increasingly questioned whether I was in fact gay. I'd always seen sexuality as a spectrum with me somewhere in the middle so "coming out" was never a particular issue when I was younger. I'm not going to dwell on this here because this already long post will become a book, but the main point is that I did eventually come out. Again, it was a major event in my life (unsurprisingly) and again it was an impetus for change. Having done it, despite the obvious difficulties that it created, I was much happier. I felt that I was more able to be me. I was more relaxed, more honest, better company to be with and it felt like I'd shed a reserve that had been there a very long time.
So yes, I do believe that based on my experience it is possible to make major changes to how you are and have moments that turbodrive a period of change. Clearly you are not changing yourself totally; something happens that unlocks aspects of your personality that shine bright for perhaps the first time. Ironically enough, this is a concept that is totally familiar to kids today from playing computer games. Unlocking new levels is a norm in that context and mayve we should encourage kids to see their developing personalities more in this light.
However, my original discussion was about whether you can change the way you process thought rather than develop who you are. Clearly some of the events I've described have changed how I think about myself and done so permanently but I'm not sure I've ever changed how I process thought. The closest I've come, relatively late in life, is sorting out a lifelong problem I had with a "shy bladder". I guess doing so reprogrammed some deep thought or insecurity I had, so the conscious "I hope I can have a wee right now in a public urinal" thought I had every time I went to the toilet isnt there most of the time now and nine times out of ten I can go without thinking about it. There may be tricks to changing how you process thought. One example for me is determining to say "yes" more about a year ago. This was having read Danny Wallace's book "Yes Man". As he found, saying yes certainly opens up new avenues and experiences that would not otherwise have been the case. I think it's a trick, or at least a facilitator, because being more receptive to saying yes means less need to think about any given decision.
I'd certainly like to process things less so I'm going to try. But in itself that is a conscious thing - thinking about how I'm thinking which seems to be going the wrong way.
But nonetheless I will try. I'll let you know how I get on.
So what do I consider to be these major turning points? Well the first, I only recognised as such in retrospect. I was around 29 years old and had obviously been working for a few years by then. I'd made a mark in a small way in the business I was in and was in my first management role providing various operational support functions to a sales team. With virtually no notice, I was asked to go out to a meeting with a client. I wasn't expected to present but asked to provide support and share some knowledge in my field of expertise. I was terrified, I remember the feeling of terror now. I wanted to be prepared, I felt my colleagues were treating me badly by asking me to step in at short notice and I was worried that I would look stupid in front of the client. I was so upset about it that I remember throing a bit of a tantrum which my colleagues rightly ignored. What they recognised was that I would be more than capable of handling the situation, even if I didn't see that myself. They also of course new more about he client and the meeting and had no qualms at all about how it would go. And it went well. I drew confidence from the fact I knew my area inside out, I wasn't afraid to contribute - in fact did so actively - and connected well with the people I met. Having stood on the end of the diving board, quivering in fear, I had dived in and the water was warm. Fast forward 14 years and I present regularly (including to some pretty intimidating and well known public figures), I've spoked at conferences in front of 400+ people and I've made sales pitches and run negotiations for big contracts. I can't say that I relish any of those situations,but I do get a buzz out of them and know that I do them well. But I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to do any of that if it wasn't for that first event. It opened up possibilities that weren't there before.
The next transformative event was around eight years later. I was working for a big public corporation in a pretty big job for my age at the time. A new boss was brought in from large FMCG company and he quickly came to the view that he had working for him a group of talented individuals who did not function effectively as a team. He'd worked with an organisational change company in his previous job and brought them in to work with us. There was a lot of sitting around at awaydays with the change faciliators pushing us to be honest with each other about how we felt. Success of these things was pretty much judged by how honest and to an extent controversial we'd been: about business issues, about each other and what we thought of our boss. We were invited to go deeper and go on a "breakthrough leadership course". A few of us did this, and I was one of those that did. This time we were split into small groups of four, locked away for four days and encouraged to unpick ourselves: we talked about our formative influences, our deepest fears, our insecurities. We opened up about ourselves and the others on the group were encouraged to share their perceptions of us. It was pretty raw stuff but I came out of it with a different view of myself. I had a better understanding of what others saw as my strengths, which boosted my confidence. I had shared my insecurities and through discussion was in a better position either to write them off or tackle them. I also had made connections with people in a way I hadn't for a very long time. The nature of what we shared brought us closer and has provided a support mechanism that I still tap into some eight years later. Despite my scepticism, the challenge the course provided gave me a boost in confidence and direction that helped me make a step change in my work and home life.
Around this time, but I don't think particularly related, I was growing more unsettled in my relationship. The ins and outs of this aren't particularly relevant, other than one major fact which is that I was increasingly questioning my sexuality. I was married, had kids, and on the face of it had an idyllic marriage and lifestyle. But I wasn't happy. I had always considered myself bisexual but as I got older I increasingly questioned whether I was in fact gay. I'd always seen sexuality as a spectrum with me somewhere in the middle so "coming out" was never a particular issue when I was younger. I'm not going to dwell on this here because this already long post will become a book, but the main point is that I did eventually come out. Again, it was a major event in my life (unsurprisingly) and again it was an impetus for change. Having done it, despite the obvious difficulties that it created, I was much happier. I felt that I was more able to be me. I was more relaxed, more honest, better company to be with and it felt like I'd shed a reserve that had been there a very long time.
So yes, I do believe that based on my experience it is possible to make major changes to how you are and have moments that turbodrive a period of change. Clearly you are not changing yourself totally; something happens that unlocks aspects of your personality that shine bright for perhaps the first time. Ironically enough, this is a concept that is totally familiar to kids today from playing computer games. Unlocking new levels is a norm in that context and mayve we should encourage kids to see their developing personalities more in this light.
However, my original discussion was about whether you can change the way you process thought rather than develop who you are. Clearly some of the events I've described have changed how I think about myself and done so permanently but I'm not sure I've ever changed how I process thought. The closest I've come, relatively late in life, is sorting out a lifelong problem I had with a "shy bladder". I guess doing so reprogrammed some deep thought or insecurity I had, so the conscious "I hope I can have a wee right now in a public urinal" thought I had every time I went to the toilet isnt there most of the time now and nine times out of ten I can go without thinking about it. There may be tricks to changing how you process thought. One example for me is determining to say "yes" more about a year ago. This was having read Danny Wallace's book "Yes Man". As he found, saying yes certainly opens up new avenues and experiences that would not otherwise have been the case. I think it's a trick, or at least a facilitator, because being more receptive to saying yes means less need to think about any given decision.
I'd certainly like to process things less so I'm going to try. But in itself that is a conscious thing - thinking about how I'm thinking which seems to be going the wrong way.
But nonetheless I will try. I'll let you know how I get on.
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